he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
