The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
