How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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