I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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