My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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