So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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