You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
