I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
They are going to name an STD after you.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
