I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
