I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
