I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
