wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
