No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
