***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
