Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My feet surprised me
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