So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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