dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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