Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
There are leaves in my underwear?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
