Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
