Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
