Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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