watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
