What did we do last night that was yellow?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
