i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
