Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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