By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
