YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
