i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...