It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
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I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
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currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover