There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
