he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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