I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
