So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
