Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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