I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Randomize
