it was like having sex with a tree stump
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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