Where did you get a picture of my penis
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
