I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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