when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Be still, my beating vagina.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
