the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
