This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
