im having a threesome with these popsicles
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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