Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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