Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
