alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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