dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
