Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
