FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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