In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
