Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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