I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
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My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
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It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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