youre lurking in front of me
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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