I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
