In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
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Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
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I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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