Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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