new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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