I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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