Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
