so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
