Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
