I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
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It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
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i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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