then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
