I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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