Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
